As I began the draft to my first blog post on word document I looked over at the time and date, smiled but also got a pit in my stomach realizing it was 4/20. Yes, that date means something to several people but to me it’s the birthday to a father I never had. This day will always have some kind of significance in my life whether I like it or not. More on that later but right now a short background introduction.

I was raised by a badass single mother who by any means necessary was going to succeed. She came to this country legally, not for a better life since she already had a great one in Mexico. But to find her two youngest children at the time who had been taken from her by their father while she was at work and brought them to California. She told me later in life she never wanted to stay but due to the circumstances she really had no choice so her life in a new country began.
She became a part of a community and had her family around her. Then enters “the” man my father. Handsome, a bachelor, a man who many ladies wanted but my mother was to busy too pay any attention too. Of course now we can call it “playing hard to get” but nooooo she was a mother and always had goals to accomplish.
He eventually began to pursue her, causing a lot of drama regarding their relationship, they kept it as secret as possible until that is my twin sister and I were conceived.
But what others didn’t realize is their union was chaos, toxic love, oil and water. Attraction yes, but both very argumentative, constant fighting sometimes even physically. Shortly after our birth my mother realized she did not want him around as he was causing more damage and destruction in her home. She was already raising her other children partially alone anyway. She made it clear she did not want him around and they went their separate ways. He didn’t fight it.
As a child my twin and I were always confused why we didn’t have a dad. Of course at school always getting asked “where is your dad?” hurt, as cruel as it may sound my mom told us “he passed”. Sounds mean but why set our hopes up for he’ll be back soon with a carton of milk lol while she knew that was not going to happen.

Fast forward to 28, I found myself happy and thriving. Making decent money being able to save, travel, and keep accomplishing goals. At this point in my life I had done a lot of therapy, began diving into spirituality and had done a lot of self growth. After a possible passing of a sibling (I know it seems confusing, I’ll get to it another time) I was firmly on a spiritual journey. I was getting my chakras aligned and afterwards we had a deep talk. This led to the beginning of a new therapist healing the unseen or unfelt. It was a deep internal process that I began to love, truly something I had never experienced before and highly recommend.

During our first session we were delving in deeper to my relationships with each of my family members. Each one of them being represented by a small wooden figurine, I held them by the temple and she guided me in speaking into them. Whether gratitude, room for improvement, releasing guilt etc. When it came to my non existent father relationship she sensed there was so much to say but not being able to find the words. “He is clearly part of your existence but you have nothing to say.” I explained he may have created me but I did have uncles and brother in laws that filled that void as a child. Which I will forever be thankful for as they helped me feel less weird. But now as an adult I had different needs that were not being met and now that I was alone in my journey I had to adjust to this new phase in my life.

Re-parenting yourself is something very common in therapy. However when I started therapy at 26 for about a year this was something we didn’t really get into as I had other trauma I really needed to heal.

So how do you re-father yourself as a grown adult let alone as a woman raised by a single mother?
I had to first acknowledge what was missing? And yes it all comes down to the main principles a man must provide. Safety. Security. And for me a major component was Stability. I had no stability as a child we were constantly moving and unfortunately nothing felt permanent. Lastly, Softness.

1. Safety- At the time I was dealing with a stalker physically and online too. I was feeling anxious and uncertain. I now feel that is why I was guided to my spiritual counselors office as I had a lot to fix internally that I simply kept putting aside. But what was safety to me? First and most importantly is becoming very aware of my surroundings and also truly trusting my intuition, a right mixture of the light and dark feminine energies. A loaded gun under my bed helps of course. But also keeping weapons on me just in case, that meant in my car, purse, keychain etc. Also setting up my home with security cameras leaving no room for errors and becoming tactical. I set them up in the front yard, side gates, backyard and even indoors as I was renting rooms to two strangers. Which leads me to my second point.
2. Security- Financial Security being huge for me as I was always confused growing up. We lived in San Diego growing up which of course is not cheap. I remember having beautiful weekends with family, my mother always drove a Lincoln, great birthdays and Christmases. Not everything was picture perfect of course but I do remember mom having to sacrifice a lot. In her case was sleep and time with her children as she was constantly working to provide.
After leaving my six year relationship I was doing really bad financially, I moved in with my sister for a short period of time but realized it wasn’t going to work long term. Began renting a house since I had two large dogs at the time. I was now working two jobs and decided to rent the two spare bedrooms to help me pay rent and also help myself. Was it the best time living with complete strangers? No. But that was a sacrifice I had to make in order to get ahead. And I believe that is something a great father should be able to calculate and do for his family, sacrifice. By living in this circumstance for almost three years I was able to pay off debt, do some traveling, live less stressed, afford a more social life for the phase I was in at that time and a big upside for me was to begin buying furniture and decor for how I wanted my next place to look like. A place in which I would live in alone and will finally feel like home. Proud to say I certainly accomplished it.
3. Stability- Like I mentioned growing up we moved a lot my mother lived in constant fight mode and nothing felt stable. My nervous system was so dysregulated as a child I didn’t ever feel safe. So after my big breakup I firmly decided I would work on rebuilding and learn to stabilize my own life without the help of anyone. When I would get stressed or emotional I would feel the feeling, let it pass, but I never allowed myself to stay in it. Something I learned in therapy. I would jump straight to a solution. So I got comfortable in asking questions and thinking ahead, for example with my landlord. Jumping ahead of the curve in renewing my lease in advance so I can take that vacation in peace and not be stressed. Getting ahead of car maintenance so I’m not surprised and panicking when something can break down. Always having a good amount of savings in case of an emergency. This may sound funny but FURNITURE! Permanent furniture that is mine and can follow me wherever I go that I personally picked out because I like it.
4. Finally, softness. Doing all of these other categories first has truly led me into my most soft and feminine life. I’m hardly stressed. I feel taken care of. I’m hardly surprised by any inconveniences because they’ve been take care of in advance and best to my ability. I am more grounded than ever. If anything ever feels “off” I’m able to speak up and put myself first. Not in a selfish way but I don’t allow anything to disrupt my nervous system. I constantly spoil myself to a lazy Sushi Sunday in my beautiful clean apartment. Everything I want I get. Which has allowed me have firm standards in dating, if you can’t match me you’re dismissed. All this healing has also fixed and removed any limerence tendencies I used to embody.

Ladies and maybe gentlemen. Thank you for joining me on this new journey and reading my first ever blog post!
Heal and love yourself. Be patient. Enjoy your only life on this earth to the fullest. Buy yourself some flowers.

– Love KD