Being the youngest of six children; along with my twin sister whether we verbally got the memo or not, we realized we were to stay out of the way. We were not a planned pregnancy and it caused a lot of stress and tension between our parents. Eventually my mother asked our father to simply remove himself and he didn’t hesitate. A single mother she became although two of her children spent most of their childhood with their father in LA. Already messy and chaotic right? Well living in it was a roller coaster experience to say the least.
Most of our childhood from what I remember was actually beautiful and I do have fond memories outside of our home. Outside of our home it was all a facade; mom was phenomenal, patient, and hard working. Hardworking, yes absolutely the others not at all. She provided us great items and clothing, our birthdays were always memorable and till this day some of my favorite memories. But she wasn’t the kindest as she was always under stress; physical abuse was not rare and that only escalated as older children began to enter their late teens. Drugs, partying, running away, and teen pregnancies kept her attention on the oldest. Leaving the three youngest to kind of fend for ourselves and grow up separately from the others.
Eventually, Leena started getting a little more freedom and was able to go visit her friends. Which left my twin sister and I alone majority of the time. I don’t remember ever talking about everything that was going on, we were simply too young to grasp what was happening. After Beatriz got pregnant at fifteen she ran away, I remember having to translate to the cops for mom “look for her as if she was a white blonde teenager”. I was lost and confused but felt useful, mom was paying attention to me and was home for a longer period of time. Following this incident detectives started visiting us at home and school, I am now getting flashbacks of these occasions and can’t help but cry. Being asked in third grade “how is home like for you?” “does your mom hit you?” “do you feel safe?” and even then feeling like I had to lie because an adult is actually paying attention to me and cares about my feelings but I sensed mom would get in trouble if I tell the truth.
All throughout my teen years everything stayed the same, keep quiet and stay out of the way. Your emotions are not useful here. It was only three of us living at home with mom in Vegas now, she began working construction, which was less hours but much more strenuous physically. But it was quieter and less stressfull if I’m being honest. As sisters we got along better and began enjoying a more peaceful home life, for a brief moment that is. Leena was the next loud rebellious teenager left and it also did not fail to deliver. While they argued and fought with another, Katy and I would stay in our room, sitting quietly, and just process what was happening.
As a teenager now, sitting alone in her thoughts, wiping her own tears away I began to truly tap into my feelings. Sadness, anger, unworthiness, even some resentment towards my older siblings for taking my mom away. I began to understand my emotions and detect what exactly was fueling them. (Small side note: as a thirty year old I am the most whimsical, happiest, joyful, stress free, and cheerful I have ever been in my life. I’ve come to realize I was “old” sad and depressed at such a young age I started aging backwards. And I FUCKING love it. )
Eventually as a young adult, I could pinpoint who, in particular was causing that said emotion and how to pivot. Therapy really helped regulate my nervous system and brought me back to life, or gave me life for the first time if I’m being honest. In our first few sessions I would constantly apologize for the tears and emotions I was feeling. My incredible doctor eventually scolded me and said “stop apologizing, your feelings are valid and important” and that alone at twenty-five years old healed years of my childhood trauma.
I was uncomfortable for the first twenty-two years of my life. Didn’t have a voice, got the memo feelings are useless, and to stay out of the way. I was in a serious relationship during this time now and he helped me in being able to voice my opinions and feelings, which was all brand new for me.
Sadly for my mother and now the world, I healed. My inner child is strong and her adult version is stronger and I won’t ever let her feel unsafe or unprotected. I use discernment strongly, if someone feels “off” I follow my intuition and eventually I’m proven correctly. My feelings ARE valid and I’ve learned to listen to them and nurture them accordingly. People hate how outspoken I am but they know I’m not wrong and I have a point or many when stating my case. I may only be 5′ but I sure as hell take up space and my presence is felt, not because I think so but I’ve been told, numerous of times.
As much as it hurt I do thank my upbringing because it shaped me into the woman I am proud of and chose to heal.
-Love KD
